Life By Design

Hey Em,

It’s been a month since you’ve been gone.  And I miss you more than I could ever imagine.  Anytime I stop long enough to think, tears come quickly and well up in my eyes.  My emotions are not quite as raw this week as they have been and I guess that’s good…it means I’m moving on or something…but in some ways I don’t like it.  I know the reality is that I will “move on” and the days will get easier.  Time just has a funny way of doing that.  But I’m not sure I like what that means, because it means I’m adapting to you being gone.  And I don’t want you to be gone.  And in many ways I just want to stick my stubborn foot in the ground and refuse to move on.  But I know that the more I fight it, the worse it will be for me.  And I know you would get on to me for being stubborn.  You would be stubborn too, though.

I don’t want to delete your number from my phone or call Sprint and have them change my free phone number to somebody else.  I cooked from your pasta recipe while Micahl was here and used the jar of sun-dried tomatoes you bought for me.  Felt pretty strange.  I need another star like the one we bought together in Cullman and Savannah wore the outfit you gave her yesterday.  I don’t know what to do with the shirt I gave you for your birthday after your lung transplant that Callie gave back to me and I just cleaned out pictures where some random ones of you came up that I know you would want me to delete.  I’m back to blogging a little though since I’m not keeping up with yours but I’d trade that in an instant.  I wish I could tell you about Savannah’s party.  You would have been so proud of me and the cupcakes Micahl and I made.  I hear Brandon & Christie just got back from Seminar and were honored for the Chick-fil-a achievement.  I know how much that meant to your family and how much you supported Jason in achieving such a big goal.  I’m glad you got to see him achieve it but I wish you were still here to celebrate.  I’d love to hear your latest funny story of Faith & Maggie.  I’m trying to figure out what to do with pictures and photo albums for Savannah and wonder if you want me to complete your scrapbook for Faith.  I wonder if you have an extra special job in heaven that uses all of your experience in suffering on this earth.

I miss you.  It hurts.  I’m sad.  But I know there is joy and hope and peace…both for you eternally in Jesus’ presence, and for me on earth in trusting Him.

Love, Em

I’m cleaning out some pictures and came across this beauty.  Before I deleted it, I thought it was worthy of uploading to the blog for your viewing pleasure.  I took this in a proud moment.  I wanted to document my miraculous achievement and my mad skillz in loading the dishwasher.

You see, I have one of those dishwashers where you basically have to wash the dishes before you wash the dishes.  The dishwasher basically sanitizes the already “clean” dishes.  On top of that, I am not a big fan of doing the dishes.  I rarely ever hand wash anything.  It’s funny how I love washing clothes, though.  I purchase kitchen items based upon whether you can put them in the dishwasher or not.  And I would rather wash them in the dishwasher a couple of times rather than dealing with a sink full of dishes to hand wash.

So, I find it one of the small joys in life to stuff the dishwasher to the max when it leaves no extra dishes in the sink.  It’s like a grown up woman’s puzzle.  And I love it when I can solve it.  I’m a dork, I know.

My friend Micahl sent me this article and I found it very interesting and definitely worth the time to read and ponder.  This is something we have both talked about extensively and something that we hope and pray can be different in our lives.  Children are a gift and God is sovereign.  If I think for a moment that I am in control of another human being, I am making God into less than all-supreme.  I encourage you to read the article whether you have kids or not.  The church in particular needs to reevaluate the message it is spreading about parenting.  I think it is also encouraging to think about your family (grandparents, parents, siblings and extended family) and view them through the lens of scripture in a different way.

Here are some excerpts that I found particularly thought provoking:

Many Christian writers and parents have absorbed these values and drifted into what could be called spiritual determinism. We have absorbed the cultural belief in psychological determinism but spiritualized it with Bible verses, and one verse in particular. The result is a Christianized version of the cultural myth. It reads something like this: “Christian parenting techniques produce godly children.”

Proverbs 22:6 has been widely adopted as both psychological premise and theological promise, despite the widespread recognition that hermeneutically, the Proverbs are not promises from God, but general observations and maxims. (Ironically, if King Solomon did pen this proverb, as many biblical scholars believe, he himself failed to exemplify its truth: In his old age, he abandoned the teaching and example of his father, as “his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God, as the heart of David his father had been” [1 Kings 11:4].)

If our supposition—that we can measure the success of our parenting by the outcome of our children—is scripturally based, we should be able apply the test to God himself. After all, God is not only the author of our Scriptures, he is also himself a parent, one who identifies himself as our Father. The Old Testament in particular provides a long, deep look into the Father’s heart. When we look at his children, however, the news is not good.

If God’s success as a parent is to be judged by his children, what can we conclude? That God himself does not pass our parenting test?

When a child does make a decision to follow Christ, we often expect visible, even immediate transformation. The Bible demonstrates another reality. God schooled the Israelites for 40 years to walk them from paganism into faith in the one true God. The disciples lived in the presence of Jesus for three long years, their faith still pitifully small despite having constantly witnessed miracles and resurrections. And our redemption was fully accomplished when Christ uttered “It is finished” from the cross, but our transformation into his image continues as long as we have breath.

The question we ask of ourselves must be reframed. We need to quit asking, “Am I parenting successfully?” And we most certainly need to quit asking, “Are others parenting successfully?” Instead, we need to ask, “Am I parenting faithfully?” Faithfulness, after all, is God’s highest requirement for us.

This was Ezekiel’s responsibility: to speak and embody God’s words before the people in such a way that they might know who he was, a righteous prophet of God, and that they might know who God was. Ezekiel wanted more than this, of course. He desperately wanted to turn the people back to the living God and prevent the impending and appalling judgment and death. The record does not tell us if anyone repented as a result of his words, but Ezekiel was never accountable for the repentance of others. He was accountable only for his steadfast obedience.

We must rethink our assumptions and our calling as well. We are responsible to teach our children the fear of the Lord, to impress his laws on them when we “sit at home and when [we] walk along the road, when [we] lie down and when [we] get up”—meaning all the time (Deut. 6:7). And we are commanded to not exasperate our children, but to “bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). But we must be clear about our own limits. We are not capable of producing perfect followers of Christ, as if we were perfect ourselves. Our work cannot purchase anyone else’s salvation or sanctification. Parents with unbelieving children, friends with children in jail, the discoveries of the geneticists, and the faith heroes in Hebrews 11 are all powerful reminders of this truth: We will parent imperfectly, our children will make their own choices, and God will mysteriously and wondrously use it all to advance his kingdom.

What are your thoughts?

My inner two year old has emerged.  You know the one that just wants to throw a temper-tantrum because you want it, or need it, or have to have it your way or else.  Yes, that one.  And because I can’t have what I want, I’m mad.  And I wish it was righteous anger, bit it’s not.  It’s just the disappointed kind.  But it is where I am today and what I’m working through.

I went to Foundry last night and joined the high school students in a worship night in hopes of loving on them and getting a chance to stop for a moment and focus solely on Christ.  One of my favorite things about coming together as the body of Christ is corporate worship…singing, scripture, praying, etc.  And it doesn’t get much better than doing that with high school students who love Jesus.  One of my friends, Chris, was leading the prayer time through the ACTS acronym (Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication) and during the final portion he encouraged the students to take the opportunity to beg God for what was breaking their hearts in that moment….mercy for their parents divorce, courage to love their siblings, wisdom of the decisions they were making, etc.  But what is breaking my heart is the fact that Emily is gone and I selfishly want her back, and no matter how much begging of God I do, there is nothing that is going to change that.

Everything is just a little bit too raw and I found myself crying my eyes out in the back.  The uncontrollable kind of tears.  I wasn’t much of a good leader and wanted with everything in me to just crawl away out the back door.  Believe me I would have if there was an opportunity but with the way the room was set up, I couldn’t without disrupting the whole thing.  So I just sat along the wall and cried until it was over and then emotionally limped to the car to drive home.  I hope I didn’t scare any students along the way.

So back to the two year old analogy…this is how I see it.  You are playing with toys that are not yours and are loaned this AWESOME toy that you absolutely LOVE.  The whole time you are playing with it, you know it is not YOUR toy but that doesn’t change how much you love it.  Because it is not your toy, you know it can be taken away at any time but you keep hoping for just one more minute, hour, day, year to enjoy this wonderful toy.  When the time comes for it to be taken away and it is “snatched” out of your hand, that initial sense of loss and defensiveness at the abrupt nature of the return to its rightful owner, leaves you feeling a little hurt, frustrated, MAD.

Job 1:21 “…The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”

Happy 1st Birthday little one!  I cannot believe it was a year ago that we held you in our arms for the very first time and I’m so thankful that God chose us to be your parents.  I know that you are a gift to us and I think I am starting to understand a tiny bit of the breadth of God’s good and perfect gifts.  I am in awe of all that you have become and all that you have accomplished in this little bit of life on earth and cannot wait to see how God continues to weave your story together.  I’m so glad that I get to be apart of it.  Every little milestone, new discovery, and change you have experienced has been so fun to celebrate with you and I find myself challenging you to keep going because I see your amazing potential.  I want you to enjoy where you are now and continue to pursue what each new day brings.

It seems that your first year has been defined by all of the places you’ve been (if we had to buy you plane tickets, you would have already earned a free one!) and although you will not really remember all of these trips, we will remember getting to share them with you.  You are one flexible, content, and happy girl and a great travel partner.  But I do not want you to be defined by all the things you’ve done but by who you are and whose you are.  You are God’s beautiful creation and He loves you just the way you are.  And prayerfully…one day soon…you will begin to understand His great love story for you.  But in the meantime, your Daddy and I will keep sharing His story and our story with you and simply enjoy being with you.

I love you, Savvy.

…since I stood next to my friend Emily M as she was united to Jason in marriage on Feburary 15, 2003.  Now, sitting here, I’m left with memories like that and a huge ache in my heart and soul.  She’s been gone…home with Jesus, but gone from here…since January 27, 2010.  Has it really been almost 3 weeks?  It’s ironic that my last post had to do with praying for Emily back in August.  I quit blogging entirely here because of keeping up with her blog.  I had written updates on her behalf at her request many times before but this time it was different.  When she went into the hospital on July 24, 2009, I had no idea that I would not talk to her for a month.  She was sedated for the ENTIRE MONTH OF AUGUST and was not released to go home until October 7, 2009.  This was the longest I had gone without talking to her since we became friends in junior high.  Now, I have gone another month without talking to her but this time, there is no hope that I will get to again, no saving up stories to share with her, or making reminders to myself to not forget to fill her in on that..at least on this earth.

And my heart is reeling inside my chest.

I’ve experienced loss, pain, death…but nothing like this.  Today is Emily & Jason’s anniversary; Tomorrow is Savannah’s 1st birthday; Wednesday is the year anniversary of Gran Gran’s death.  And I was prepared back this summer..not that it makes a difference but I guess I almost expected it when things were so unstable.  I had not contemplated it this time around, so the shock is so much greater.  And I don’t think I had ever allowed myself to think through the reality of the loss of someone who played such a big role in my life in every area…spiritually, emotionally, mentally, practically.  Besides Daniel, she is the closet person to me, the one who knows my heart best, who holds a large portion of memories for more than half of my lifespan, who I talked to more than anyone else, and who knows both the good and the ugly and chose to love me anyways.  And that, is irreplaceable.  I have tons of friends, good friends and am so thankful for that.  But, it just isn’t the same.  Someone pointed out that most people go through their whole life without a friendship like ours, and I guess that’s true.  So I guess I should just be thankful for having experienced it at all but I’m not satisfied with that.  I want her.  I want to talk to her.  I want to listen to her.  I want to ask her.  I want her advice.  I want her encouragement.  She made me a better person and the thought of not having that for the rest of my life is gut-wrenching.

Now all of that was raw and honest and messy.  And I’m going to leave it just like that.  But before I go too long without acknowledging the TRUTH in all of this, let me just say that God is sovereign, He is good, He is trustworthy, and He is righteous.  I don’t doubt that or question it and I’m so thankful Em is in heaven breathing easy.  His timing is perfect and she had fulfilled her numbered days on this earth and her purpose here.  Just read what I’ve written on her blog or her obituary or what I spoke about at her memorial service.  And I’m ok with all of that and will continue to trust in the One whose ways are higher than my ways.

I’m just aching and sad and lonely for my friend.  And for someone who tends to put a big cork in her emotional bottle for the sake of everyone else around her, I’m trying to avoid just keeping my chin up.  I also don’t want to just curl up into a ball and cry.  I’m so over the depressed stage of my life and I’ve got a one year old birthday to celebrate.  But I will cry when I look at the blanket she gave Savannah or the decorations in our house or the myriad of cards she has written me or when I think about her husband and her daughter and her parents and siblings…or when I think about the advice I need from her or how on earth I am supposed to live the rest of my life without her.

I’m sure I have a whole lot more to say and hopefully a little more eloquent than this, but I guess I’ll start there.

I know I haven’t posted in forever but if you are reading this, I ask that you stop and pray even just for a moment.  My friend Emily M is once again fighting for her life and in my view, it is her most challenging fight so far.  She has been on a ventilator now for a week and is about to be life flighted from Texas to Alabama.  You can read more if you click ‘Categories’ and ‘Emily M’ on the right hand side of my page or by visiting her blog that I am updating on her behalf:

http://themulkeys-mulkeys.blogspot.com/

I really appreciate it.

A very significant week indeed.  So significant, it’s blog worthy.  At least to me.

* Our “kids” graduated.  After 6 years of pouring our lives into these awesome students, they have passed one of the most significant milestones of their lives!  It was so much fun to get to watch them receive their high school diplomas and celebrate with them.  I’m so proud, humbled, sad and excited all at the same time.  Alexa, Evan, Julia, Leslie, Linsey, Nicole, and Shannon….I love you all so much, am so stinkin proud of you, and believe in you 100%!  I’m so thankful God brought us together, that through Christ we are sisters forever, and that I am blessed to have each of you in my life.  Keep pursuing Jesus in this next season of life!  He is the ONLY one who can give you the LIFE that you dream of.

* I got on my bike for the first time since before I was pregnant.  Probably about a year ago exactly.  We had a family “workout” with Daniel pushing Savannah in the jogging stroller and me riding my bike. I say “workout” because Daniel is the only one who really worked out.  Savvy slept and my pace was so leisurely that it cannot constitute a workout.  But I did block the scary dogs, provided the water for my hubby, and some good company/encouragement…and we did it together!  This weekend, however, I did work out with my first full fledged ride on my own.  On my own, you say?  Yes, I have never ridden my road bike without Daniel unless it has been at a park.  My hubby is uber cautious about riding on the road…particularly with me (he says he likes me or something and wants me to stick around awhile ) and I think I got so paranoid that I didn’t think I can do it.  Well, giving birth sans drugs kind of rejuvenates the “I can do it!” attitude a little bit so I rode 6.2 miles all by myself.  Granted, I didn’t have to change a flat or put my chain back on and it was a short and fairly easy ride, but I did it.  I think I’m gonna try and figure out how to do that at least once a week…hopefully more…but I’m not gonna set the bar too high since the number of hours available to even attempt it are so short.

* I’m finally into 1 Samuel in my quest to read the Bible in chronological order and I am way excited about it because I get to start jumping around into Psalms and read the historical context for when each one is written.  AND, on top of that, I think I’m going to do my summer Bible Study again and they are doing the Beth Moore Psalms of Ascent which just seems really fitting for God to do something cool like that with the timing.  I don’t know…just maybe He cares about the little details of life.

* And last but not least, we have some Savannah firsts that have me super excited.  We have been on three trips, had lots of company, and in general have been pretty busy for the last, say um, year or two or five.  Well, the last trip to Texas basically did her in for any sort of gaining ground with consistency in sleep, etc.  It was like everything we had worked on, just disappeared and we were back to month 1.  So, I have had to re-figure her out (which I’m finally realizing will probably be what parenting will be as she changes and grows), and last night she slept ENTIRELY THROUGH THE NIGHT for the very first time.  She has done a few midnight-6 am stretches before this last trip but never has she slept from 7:30 – 6:45 without waking up!  And that is just the culmination of the weekend.  She took her first bottle from Daddy after Mommy finally stopped to pump, she rolled over from her stomach to her back, she went to the nursery at church for the first time, had her first babysitter last night (took her 2nd bottle) for Daniel and I to have our first official date night in Nashvegas!

* To top it all off, it has been beautiful….I mean absolutely beautiful for about the last week and today is no different.  Blue skies…yay!  Happy June everyone!  Oh, and one last thing…it’s also a significant week because, in case you missed it…I did, in fact, just blog about it.  Wow.

Savannah passed the 1 month milestone on Monday.  I guess we passed that milestone as new parents too.    We are all doing really well.  We’ve had tons of visitors both in town and out of town and it has definitely kept us going both on adrenaline and excitement.  It is fun to celebrate with people we love.  Here is a quick run down of the highlights on the last month: Savannah has found her hands, smiled, had her first snow, skyped, had her facebook debut, been to Target, Hobby Lobby, Blue Coast Burrito, Radnor Lake, Publix, Fellowship, Martin’s BBQ…wow this list is longer than I thought…I’ll stop there

I seem to have a lot of major minor things going on and simply adjusting to this new season of life.  I’ve been excited about what I am able to still do and am honestly very anxious to get into a normal rhythm of life.  My parents are coming to help out while Daniel has a very busy week at work next week and then we will be truly on our own for the first time….no visitors, no meals, no help.  We’ll see how we do!

I finished Deuteronomy last week and was really impressed with God’s justice and mercy going hand in hand with the final words he gave to Moses to share with the Israelites before giving them the Promised Land and then showing Moses the land but now allowing him to enter it before he died.  You can read Deut 32-34 to get a really good grasp of all that happened from the Exodus out of Egypt to finally reaching the Promise Land.  God keeps his promise and gives Israel the gift they have been waiting for but at the same time promising his justice for when they disobey his commands.  It is an incredible picture of how God can be so gracious, giving and merciful yet not yield his righteousness and justice.  I think this is something very difficult for our human brains to grasp.  I still think it is so amazing that God buried Moses, too. (Deut 34:5-6).

A few other noteworthy yet minor things…I am back into a pair of my pre-pregnancy jeans.  I’m way pumped about that but have a few more I’d like to be able to wear.  It means a lot to me because I really worked hard at eating nutritious things and not buying into the “because I’m pregnant, I can eat whatever I want” mentality.  I might be buying into the “because I’m breastfeeding, I can eat whatever I want” mentality though!  I’m anxious for the weather to stay warm so I can get out and walk and figure out how to get back on my bike.  I miss cycling!  I also haven’t taken a nap since the first two weeks.  I have managed to sleep in until 11 AM (that does include waking up at 5 & 8 am though).  I’m just not a napper.  I’d love to learn so feel free to share your napping advice if you have some.  And I promise it’s not that I am pushing myself too hard.  I’m just not that sleepy or tired during the day.  I’d rather go to bed earlier.  And lastly, my cloth diaper shipment should be arriving today!  We received several as gifts over the last few months but since she arrived early, I had not placed my final order to get everything I needed to start out with cloth diapers.  So…that is the next big project to tackle.

Ok, that’s about all for now.

I apologize for the delay but here is the post at least I’ve been waiting for and I know you’ve been anticipating with us!  I’ve been trying to upload a video Daniel made for the last week and have been unsuccessful so it is just going to have to be pictures.

Our baby girl arrived ten days early [2.16.09] and we are SO excited that she is here.  I believe we’ve broken every “first child” statistic about labor, delivery, and the first few weeks to which I am very grateful.  Labor was not painless but was very fast and we were able to stay at home for most of it which was what I wanted.  We arrived at the hospital at 6:35 AM and she was born at 6:58 AM.  Hmmm…cut that one a little close.  Daddy was asleep til 3 AM because Mommy wasn’t even sure she was in labor until that point.  Ha!  It has been an unbelievably smooth transition and we seem to have a very content little baby.  We are counting our blessings for sure.

God’s timing is impeccable as always but it is amazing how that is so much easier to see in hindsight.  My grandfather died within 18 hours of her arrival but he was able to see pictures, here her name, and even remember it well enough to speak it later in the day.  Had she come any later, he would have never known the name of his first great-granddaughter.  This is only one of many, but probably the most significant things about God’s perfect timing over the last couple of weeks.

We’ve been having a blast getting to know her, enjoying family & friends who have come to meet her (and the ones that are still on the way!), sleeping a bit more than we thought we would, and celebrating this new season of life and marriage.  So, without further ado, meet Savannah!

A special thanks to Crystal for her pictures on the very first day.  Thanks for your prayers and support!

Psalm 104

104:1 Bless the Lord, O my soul!
O Lord my God, you are very great!
You are clothed with splendor and majesty,
2 covering yourself with light as with a garment,
stretching out the heavens like a tent.
3 He lays the beams of his chambers on the waters;
he makes the clouds his chariot;
he rides on the wings of the wind;
4 he makes his messengers winds,
his ministers a flaming fire.

5 He set the earth on its foundations,
so that it should never be moved.
6 You covered it with the deep as with a garment;
the waters stood above the mountains.
7 At your rebuke they fled;
at the sound of your thunder they took to flight.
8 The mountains rose, the valleys sank down
to the place that you appointed for them.
9 You set a boundary that they may not pass,
so that they might not again cover the earth.

10 You make springs gush forth in the valleys;
they flow between the hills;
11 they give drink to every beast of the field;
the wild donkeys quench their thirst.
12 Beside them the birds of the heavens dwell;
they sing among the branches.
13 From your lofty abode you water the mountains;
the earth is satisfied with the fruit of your work.

14 You cause the grass to grow for the livestock
and plants for man to cultivate,
that he may bring forth food from the earth
15 and wine to gladden the heart of man,
oil to make his face shine
and bread to strengthen man’s heart.

16 The trees of the Lord are watered abundantly,
the cedars of Lebanon that he planted.
17 In them the birds build their nests;
the stork has her home in the fir trees.
18 The high mountains are for the wild goats;
the rocks are a refuge for the rock badgers.

19 He made the moon to mark the seasons; [1]
the sun knows its time for setting.
20 You make darkness, and it is night,
when all the beasts of the forest creep about.
21 The young lions roar for their prey,
seeking their food from God.
22 When the sun rises, they steal away
and lie down in their dens.
23 Man goes out to his work
and to his labor until the evening.

24 O Lord, how manifold are your works!
In wisdom have you made them all;
the earth is full of your creatures.
25 Here is the sea, great and wide,
which teems with creatures innumerable,
living things both small and great.
26 There go the ships,
and Leviathan, which you formed to play in it. [2]

27 These all look to you,
to give them their food in due season.
28 When you give it to them, they gather it up;
when you open your hand, they are filled with good things.
29 When you hide your face, they are dismayed;
when you take away their breath, they die
and return to their dust.
30 When you send forth your Spirit, [3] they are created,
and you renew the face of the ground.

31 May the glory of the Lord endure forever;
may the Lord rejoice in his works,
32 who looks on the earth and it trembles,
who touches the mountains and they smoke!
33 I will sing to the Lord as long as I live;
I will sing praise to my God while I have being.
34 May my meditation be pleasing to him,
for I rejoice in the Lord.
35 Let sinners be consumed from the earth,
and let the wicked be no more!
Bless the Lord, O my soul!
Praise the Lord!