Ants & Christmas Trees

To be perfectly blunt, last week sucked. For a brief instant, I thought about being a little more PC and saying ‘last week wasn’t good’ but that phrase doesn’t cut it. It doesn’t have enough intensity to it. It was bad, not because of my what I did or my circumstances, but because of the condition of my heart. Sometimes my sinfulness makes me sick. Literally sick.

Here’s a snapshot from my personal journal. The one I write in by hand for my eyes only. Yeah, that one.

“I have been an emotional wreck. My focus is totally off. I haven’t been spending time in the Word. And I let Satan have a perfect “in”. I let a Christmas tree not fitting where I wanted it throw me off, I let little sugar ants hack me off for interrupting my perfect plan, I let myself get angry with my husband for messing up my day, I let my feelings get hurt because people didn’t fulfill my expectations, and I let myself get frustrated with the God of the universe for not letting life work out the way I wanted it to. Can I be anymore selfish? Can I be focused anymore in the wrong direction?”

What’s crazy in all of this is the battle I feel like I’m fighting. And it’s not a battle to “do” more but to “rest” more. When I say I haven’t spent time in the Word, that is not something on my to do list to check off for my A+ Christian points (which don’t exist), but is the air I breathe, a necessity for resting in His peace and abiding in Him. When I allow it to become a to-do, I allow Satan the perfect entrance into my life to convince me it is just something on my list and then after a brief time, in this case a week, my heart begins to turn. Oh Father, turn my heart to you alone. I need you.

The LBD Dual Significance: I had a very raw conversation with my friend Emily on Friday. She called me in between an emotional breakdown and before I had finished processing through all that I was thinking and feeling. God’s timing is cool in that way but I feel bad for Emily all the same. Our lives and struggles are so very different and any pain that I feel pales in comparison to the pain she feels. Yet, we somehow find common threads in our stories and God uses her life to refine and sharpen mine. Our conversation left me with these thoughts:

Disappointment is a crazy thing. It can either drive you to Jesus, to the cross, to the manger or it can drive you to the wilderness, to the darkness, to the thief who comes to steal, kill, and destroy. I would rather turn to the way that promises…“For nothing is impossible with God” (Luke 1:37) rather than the death and destruction that Satan promises. Just read Job 1 & 2 for a small taste of Satan’s promises.

The question I’m wrestling with is can you be disappointed and content at the same time? Or can you be content and still feel disappointment? In 1 Samuel 22:2 discontentment is likened to “bitter in soul” and I definitely don’t want to be that! I’m processing Philippians 4 in a new light.

Philippians 4:11-13 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.