It’s been 7 years…

…since I stood next to my friend Emily M as she was united to Jason in marriage on Feburary 15, 2003.  Now, sitting here, I’m left with memories like that and a huge ache in my heart and soul.  She’s been gone…home with Jesus, but gone from here…since January 27, 2010.  Has it really been almost 3 weeks?  It’s ironic that my last post had to do with praying for Emily back in August.  I quit blogging entirely here because of keeping up with her blog.  I had written updates on her behalf at her request many times before but this time it was different.  When she went into the hospital on July 24, 2009, I had no idea that I would not talk to her for a month.  She was sedated for the ENTIRE MONTH OF AUGUST and was not released to go home until October 7, 2009.  This was the longest I had gone without talking to her since we became friends in junior high.  Now, I have gone another month without talking to her but this time, there is no hope that I will get to again, no saving up stories to share with her, or making reminders to myself to not forget to fill her in on that..at least on this earth.

And my heart is reeling inside my chest.

I’ve experienced loss, pain, death…but nothing like this.  Today is Emily & Jason’s anniversary; Tomorrow is Savannah’s 1st birthday; Wednesday is the year anniversary of Gran Gran’s death.  And I was prepared back this summer..not that it makes a difference but I guess I almost expected it when things were so unstable.  I had not contemplated it this time around, so the shock is so much greater.  And I don’t think I had ever allowed myself to think through the reality of the loss of someone who played such a big role in my life in every area…spiritually, emotionally, mentally, practically.  Besides Daniel, she is the closet person to me, the one who knows my heart best, who holds a large portion of memories for more than half of my lifespan, who I talked to more than anyone else, and who knows both the good and the ugly and chose to love me anyways.  And that, is irreplaceable.  I have tons of friends, good friends and am so thankful for that.  But, it just isn’t the same.  Someone pointed out that most people go through their whole life without a friendship like ours, and I guess that’s true.  So I guess I should just be thankful for having experienced it at all but I’m not satisfied with that.  I want her.  I want to talk to her.  I want to listen to her.  I want to ask her.  I want her advice.  I want her encouragement.  She made me a better person and the thought of not having that for the rest of my life is gut-wrenching.

Now all of that was raw and honest and messy.  And I’m going to leave it just like that.  But before I go too long without acknowledging the TRUTH in all of this, let me just say that God is sovereign, He is good, He is trustworthy, and He is righteous.  I don’t doubt that or question it and I’m so thankful Em is in heaven breathing easy.  His timing is perfect and she had fulfilled her numbered days on this earth and her purpose here.  Just read what I’ve written on her blog or her obituary or what I spoke about at her memorial service.  And I’m ok with all of that and will continue to trust in the One whose ways are higher than my ways.

I’m just aching and sad and lonely for my friend.  And for someone who tends to put a big cork in her emotional bottle for the sake of everyone else around her, I’m trying to avoid just keeping my chin up.  I also don’t want to just curl up into a ball and cry.  I’m so over the depressed stage of my life and I’ve got a one year old birthday to celebrate.  But I will cry when I look at the blanket she gave Savannah or the decorations in our house or the myriad of cards she has written me or when I think about her husband and her daughter and her parents and siblings…or when I think about the advice I need from her or how on earth I am supposed to live the rest of my life without her.

I’m sure I have a whole lot more to say and hopefully a little more eloquent than this, but I guess I’ll start there.