Mad

My inner two year old has emerged.  You know the one that just wants to throw a temper-tantrum because you want it, or need it, or have to have it your way or else.  Yes, that one.  And because I can’t have what I want, I’m mad.  And I wish it was righteous anger, bit it’s not.  It’s just the disappointed kind.  But it is where I am today and what I’m working through.

I went to Foundry last night and joined the high school students in a worship night in hopes of loving on them and getting a chance to stop for a moment and focus solely on Christ.  One of my favorite things about coming together as the body of Christ is corporate worship…singing, scripture, praying, etc.  And it doesn’t get much better than doing that with high school students who love Jesus.  One of my friends, Chris, was leading the prayer time through the ACTS acronym (Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication) and during the final portion he encouraged the students to take the opportunity to beg God for what was breaking their hearts in that moment….mercy for their parents divorce, courage to love their siblings, wisdom of the decisions they were making, etc.  But what is breaking my heart is the fact that Emily is gone and I selfishly want her back, and no matter how much begging of God I do, there is nothing that is going to change that.

Everything is just a little bit too raw and I found myself crying my eyes out in the back.  The uncontrollable kind of tears.  I wasn’t much of a good leader and wanted with everything in me to just crawl away out the back door.  Believe me I would have if there was an opportunity but with the way the room was set up, I couldn’t without disrupting the whole thing.  So I just sat along the wall and cried until it was over and then emotionally limped to the car to drive home.  I hope I didn’t scare any students along the way.

So back to the two year old analogy…this is how I see it.  You are playing with toys that are not yours and are loaned this AWESOME toy that you absolutely LOVE.  The whole time you are playing with it, you know it is not YOUR toy but that doesn’t change how much you love it.  Because it is not your toy, you know it can be taken away at any time but you keep hoping for just one more minute, hour, day, year to enjoy this wonderful toy.  When the time comes for it to be taken away and it is “snatched” out of your hand, that initial sense of loss and defensiveness at the abrupt nature of the return to its rightful owner, leaves you feeling a little hurt, frustrated, MAD.

Job 1:21 “…The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”